Je srečal Mujo nuno v Trstu in jo je pretepel do daske!
Potem ji je rekel:''šta je nindžo, nisi mi u formi danas???
Kaj je optimizem?
Ko vidiš klošarja v parku, ki bere revijo Moj dom!
Kaj je predrznost? Če ubiješ starše in na sodišču prosiš za pomilostitev,
ker si sirota.
Zakaj se blondinka, ko hujša, maže s PRILOM?
Ker je odličen v boju z maščobo.
Kakšna je razlika med Hitlerjem in pralnim strojem?
Hitler je imel še program za obešanje.
Kaj dela blondinka, ko ima uho prislonjeno na hišo?
Posluša house music.
Se sprehaja želva po cesti, pa jo oropa 12 polžev.
Pride policija.
Želva: Joj, se ničesar ne spomnim, je potekalo vse tako hitro ...
Gresta dva klošarja v park, pa prvi vpraša:
"Imaš zraven star kruh za golobe?"......
..... "Ne, jaz jih jem kar brez kruha!"
Grejo 3 muhe v gostilno.
Pa prva naroči drek pa česen,
druga naroči drek pa čebulo,
tretja pa pravi, da bo samo drek, da ji ne bo iz ust smrdelo.
Pride blondinka v trgovino:
B: Kilo kruha prosim !
P: Črnega ali belega ?
B: Ni važno, saj sem s kolesom !
Policaj pride v picerijo in naroci pico ? Natakar vprasa: "Vam jo razrezem
na 4 ali 8 kosov ?" "Kar na 4, 8 jih ne bom mogel pojesti."
Jedan putnik u avionu krenuo u toalet.
Kako je muški bio zauzet (a njemu se žurilo) stjuardesa ga uputi u ženski WC,
ali ga upozori da nipošto ne dira gumbe sa natpisima: MTV, MTZ, PMP i AVT.
Ne mogavši savladati svoju radoznalost, on pritisnu gumb MTV - i
Mlaz Tople Vode mu zapljusne guzicu.
Ugodno iznenađen on pritisne i gumb MTZ, a Mlaz Toplog Zraka ga osuši.
Nakon toga on pritisne i gumb PMP - i Pufna Mirišljavog Pudera ga fino zapraši.
Razmišljajući o tome kako su ove žene baš razmažene on pritisnu i gumb AVT i...
Naš putnik se budi u bolnici i unezvjereno gleda oko sebe.
"Gdje je avion? Gdje sam to ja?" - zbunjeno pita sestru koja se tu našla.
"Gospodine, Vi ste u bolnici.
U avionu ste pritisli gumb AVT - Automatsko
Vađenje Tampona. Vaš penis je ispod jastuka!"
Stran v dnevniku blondinke:
Dragi dnevnik,
Lani sem dala na hiši zamenjati stara lesena okna z novimi PVC okvirji.
Okna so super, prišparamo na gretju,... in vse bi bilo super,
če me ne bi pred nekaj dnevi poklical lastnik firme, ki je vstavila
nova okna, in me opomnil, da okna po letu dni še vedno niso plačana.
Bila sem zelo presenečena nad njegovo izjavo in sem ga opomnila kaj so
mi takrat, ko sem kupovala okna, rekli njegovi prodajalci:
"Ta okna so tako dobra in varčna, da se ze po letu dni sama poplačajo."
Halooooooooooooo !!!!!!!!!!!! Poteklo je leto dni !!!!!!!!!
Čeprav sem blond, še ne pomeni da sem glupa.
Na drugi strani slušalke je nastal molk, pa sem poklopila slušalko.
Sigurno se je tip počutil kot prava budala.
ETO ŠTO TI JE MUDRA ŽENA!!!
Na četrdesetu godišnjicu braka muž je rekao ženi:
- Draga, prije četrdeset godina stanovali smo u malom stanu u lošem kvartu, spavali na krevetu na razvlačenje, vozili jeftini auto i imali mali crno-bijeli televizor, ali spavao sam s mladim plavim komadom od dvadeset i pet godina. Danas imamo skupu kuću u finom kvartu, udoban francuski krevet i ogroman plazma televizor, ali sam zato u braku s bakicom od šest banki. Čini mi se da ti sa svoje strane i nisi dorasla razvoju događaja.
Međutim, mudra je žena s puno razumijevanja riješila krizu srednjih godina svog muža ovim riječima:
- Dragi, što se mene tiče, ti i danas možes spavati s mladim plavim komadom od dvadeset i pet godina, a što se tiče razvoja događaja, ja ću se sa svoje strane potruditi da ponovno stanuješ u jeftinom malom stanu u lošem kvartu, spavaš na krevetu na razvlačenje, voziš jeftini auto i imaš mali crno-bijeli televizor.
"Sorry sir," replies the bartender. "I have to cut you off."
"Just gimme another drink."
"O.K. I''ll make a deal with you. I''ll give you another drink and call you a cab. When the cab comes, regardless of whether you''re done or not you have to go."
"Thass a good deal," the drunk says. He gets his drink and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Oh shit, what am I gonna do now? My wife's gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy''s shirt pocket. "When you get home, tell your wife you were in the bar and some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? LOOK AT YOUR SHIRT! WHAT HAPPENED?"
He tried to put on his most sober voice and said, "Relaaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "THERE'S TEN BUCKS HERE!"
"Oh yeah, he sh*t in my pants, too."
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
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How is a hurricane like a marriage?
At the beginning there's a lot of blowing and sucking, and when it's over your house is gone.
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A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
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What do you get when you cross Mariah Carey and Elton John?
Nothing. Elton John prefers
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There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''
The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.''
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....''
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A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck on the road, he hits them -- with a priest in the truck, he'd have to swerve. But the driver decides to pick up the priest.
A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a "BOOM!" The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry -- I got him with the door."
:D:D
